Stanley Park Coyotes and Raccoons are Evil Minnions of Hell

Beware of the coyotes and racoons in Vancouver's Stanley Park. Don't believe me? I took pictures of warning signs.

"Coyotes are wild animals and can be dangerous. Do not encourage them to approach. They are smart, fast and will take what they can get."

"Keep them at a distance!...Never feed coyotes!"

I had heard that coyotes could be dangerous but this sign puts things in perspective - they are smart and fast too. Even scarier is that coyotes "will take what they can get." What does this mean? I can only speculate that the people who created this sign were under attack by coyotes and did not have time to fill in the details. My guess:

• picnic baskets
• small dogs
• babies

The exact threat remains unknown, but I do not want to find out.

When raccoons attack

The threat of raccoons appears even worse.

Look at this raccoon warning sign hung right next to the coyote warning sign.

Raccoons have "La Rage", as the sign says. If raccoons have the Rage, they could transfer it to humans.

If you've ever seen the horror movie documentary 28 Days Later, you know that when humans get the Rage (La Rage in French), they will turn into fast-running, human-eating zombies. Vancouver tourists beware.

I did see one raccoon on the fringes of a Stanley Park parking lot during the day. I feared for my life that it would attack and give me the rage. I also wondered if it was looking for unlocked cars. If a raccoon got into a car, it may try to drive it out of the park and into Vancouver city. That could be the start of the Apocolypse.

An even worse situation

If coyotes will "take what they can get" as the sign says, and the only thing coyotes can get is raccoons, we are all in trouble. Imagine a coyote with the rage. It would be an evil minnion of hell, fast and smart and more dangerous than you could possibly imagine.

Do not get trapped in the park!

Park authorities have warned not to get trapped in the park at night. Here are the signs together (near the children's playground) that paint a full picture of the danger:

The most important sign is the one on the bottom right. "These Gates will be locked at night." You don't want to be locked in at night with the evil coyotes and raccoons with the rage. They'll eat you alive.

With a threat like this I imagine that tourists run for the gates like it is the end of the world coming. Screams of "Get out while you still can!" can be heard. Luckily, during my visit I left the park well before dusk.

This map shows an aerial view of the area in the park where the signs appear. Take notice. If you are cut off from your car, the best place to run to is the water. You'll have a better chance at getting away.

View Larger Map

;) Of course, I am just kidding about all of this, but the signs are real so interpret the signs the way you want.

Stanley Park is a great place to visit while in Vancouver - especially during the day. It has everything:

• Scenic views across the bay
• Lots of hiking and biking
• Historic landmarks
• Aquarium
• A petting zoo
• A shuttle bus ride around the park
• Sports including pitch and putt golf
• Places to eat
• Swimming
• Special events and performances
• Lots of nature

Visit the official Stanley Park website here.